Living up to the me I thought I'd be...

I came across a quote a couple of weeks ago that went something like this, "You cannot compare yourself to anyone else, including the you you thought you'd be."  And I smiled.  Then I thought for a few minutes and the smile faded some as I realized that I am constantly trying to live up to the me I thought I'd be.

When I was in high school, I would look to the future and see myself completing college with a degree in nursing, marrying a super handsome man - who would also be my best friend, and having so much money that I wouldn't really need to worry about sticking to a budget (My mom was a single parent and I watched her budget every single penny of my childhood.  She was AMAZING but I wanted more financial freedom than that).  Only one of the things I pictured actually happened.

Once I married the handsome, dream come true from above, I pictured our first home being our "forever house" big enough to fit our future four children in.  I'd be able to be a stay at home mom, my kids would be angels, and my husband would bring me flowers every week.  My house would be spotless, I'd have time to scrapbook, and I'd be able to keep up with the numerous projects and school related activities my four perfect children would be involved in.  I'd be living the happy-ever-after life!  Again, only one of the things I had pictured actually happened.

Instead I found reality.  In reality I have married my best friend whom I love dearly but whom I also argue with from time to time (I forgot to mention in my dream world above, I thought my husband and I would always agree (with what I wanted of course)).  We live in a cute little starter home (that at this rate, may actually end up being our forever home) with our four fantastic (but regularly naughty) kids who keep life incredibly fun, frustrating and interesting.  I don't get flowers every week but I do get showered with love and affection.  I'm a social worker - not a nurse.  I work part time and am constantly running to keep up with all the balls that are in the air.  And I love this life. 

However, despite my best intentions, my thoughts often return to the unattainable expectations of the me I thought I'd be.  I'll realize that I am striving for perfection.  That I am grumbling and complaining about this life I'm living when in reality I am so blessed.  I'll forget that I love this reality and even think for moments that I hate it (don't judge - you have those moments too).  I'll think of all the things that I wish I could do better - be a more loving wife, a more caring/supportive/patient mom, be more organized, be more creative in my cooking, eat better foods, exercise more...and the list goes on and on.  Then, just at the right moment, little hands will wrap around my legs and I'll get the sweetest "I love you Mommy" or my husband will tell me I'm beautiful, or I'll flip on the light in my warm cozy home, and I'll smile, tear up and say a prayer of thanks.  I am thankful that God is still working on me, continually polishing me and making me who He wants me to be instead me running like a hamster in a wheel striving to be the other me.

Stumbling across that quote has changed me. Before this, I was always conscious of my striving to live up to others standard of me and would pray for contentment and a heart that only cared about what God's standard was.  I didn't really think much of how living up to who I think I should be could create just as much of a heart of discontentment.  But it does. :)  And now that I know, I'm committed to letting go of worrying so much about living up to that me and instead living with intention as the person I am.